It's no secret I have trouble falling asleep at night. I thought this blog would be solely reserved for my makeup and beauty musings, y'know, that stuff, but ultimately the people reading this are the people who actually care to click the link - so in some sense you guys care to read what I have to say (I'm flattered). I suppose this is the point where this blog gets a personal touch and a glance beneath-the-skin.
Typically, a night like this would be spent watching Dexter, or Running Man, but tonight's not one of those nights. Tonight I'm thinking of a whole bunch of things; it's quite overwhelming, really.
I swore that I would never get my ass into unnecessary drama in university. No bitching, no political play, none of all that; I would work to get what I want and get what I deserve. While I have to admit I do indulge in mindless gossip from time to time, I think I've done a pretty good job on keeping my bottoms out of drama issues. I don't think of my past self as a trouble seeker, or someone who was particularly difficult to get along with, but somehow I always landed up in terse friendship situations because my temper is quick to rise and I had no filter on social media.
Nowadays I've become more brazen with putting my needs before others' in the sense that I'm quick drop things and/or people that I don't think make me a better/ happier person. It's selfish, yes - but I've been too spent to spend effort on something that would yield little turnover. Turns out, this has helped with the avoiding drama grand plan because I shut myself out from these situations before they even have a chance to present themselves.
Then I think back and wonder if that makes me a bad person. When should I actually put something or someone before my own feelings and needs - if said thing/ person doesn't add any value to my life - and more often than not, ends up sucking the life force (read: energy and happiness) out of me? Does it make me a bad person to even be pondering about something like this? It seems like to many people, the answer to this question is intrinsic even though they cannot conceptualise and verbalise one.
Okay, so I feel the need to halt my train of thought to clarify that this blogpost is purely an outpouring of thought and not by any means an expression of contempt towards anyone or anything (with specific regard to the above, I typed with recollection of multiple instances in my head). I learned the hard way that people do tend to misinterpret what I write/ say to be targeted at them (or a person in particular) and of malicious intent - like no, this is just the 4 a.m. pondering of an insomniac so don't read too much into my words.
On a positive note, over my time in university, I've met the most wonderful people from all sorts of places. I've met people who are able to stay positive even in the grimmest of situations (if you are one of those people then I'd like to say that your positivity practically glows out from you and that makes you a truly beautiful person), I got to know the nicest and most empathetic people (I constantly strive to become what you are), and the most supportive people (you make my insides feel pretty, and it's impossible to be upset around you since you've fortified my heart with your unwavering support). That is to name a few.
The best part is that there are so, so many amazing and truly precious people I've met and these people often fail to see how lovely they are as people; as human beings. To be honest, I'm sure I've been surrounded by wonderful people all my life, but over the past year or so, I found that I'm learning to appreciate the beauty in others instead of scrutinising (or even noticing) any shortcomings. It's a huge step in personal development and I'm proud, I guess.
Yup, that's all. I feel like I've emptied what was previously brimming with a disarray of thoughts dry - with just 8 short paragraphs. I mean, it felt like I could type for days before I started, but I'm pretty much done for the night. If you spent the time to read this, once again, I'm immensely flattered and I hope you got to know me a bit better, because I'm aware I don't expose these parts of me often or at all.
Goodnight!
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